Steven Wright Quotes

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Quotes By author - Starting with S - Steven Wright

There are 128 quotes for the author Steven Wright

Quotations 1 to 20 of 128 Results Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Subject: Time Excercise

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Subject: Humor

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Subject: Humor

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Subject: Curiosity

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Subject: Humor

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Subject: Humor

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Subject: Humor

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

Quotations 1 to 20 of 128
Results Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

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