Tommy Cooper Quotes

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Quotes By author - Starting with T - Tommy Cooper

There are 21 quotes for the author Tommy Cooper

Quotations 1 to 20 of 21 Results Page: 1 2

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Subject: Hope & Dreams

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'.

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."

Quotations 1 to 20 of 21
Results Page: 1 2

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